Talking to Your Adult Children About Divorce

 Posted on May 30, 2025 in Divorce

The primary concern for divorcing parents is often how their children will react to the divorce. That reaction is dependent on many different factors, including the age of the children and the reasons for divorce. Because divorce can be so hard on children, many couples put off divorcing until the children have all graduated and are out on their own. But what about adult children of divorce?

We assume, because they are adults, that they can handle their parents’ divorce, but this is not always the case. In fact, adult children can face many challenges when their parents divorce, even though these challenges are certainly different from those of a six-year-old or a fifteen-year-old. Adult children can experience a profound psychological reassessment of self-identity and family memories when their parents divorce later in life.

There are many other issues to consider, including whether the grown children will be responsible for one or both parents, whether the parents will be economically independent, whether the parents have health concerns, and even inheritance issues in the event that new partners and step-siblings enter the picture. One of the most challenging things for parents can be how to tell their grown children about the divorce.

If you and your spouse are considering divorce, you may have questions regarding how to tell your adult children and how to make the process easier for them. It can be helpful to consult with an experienced Yorkville, IL, family law attorney. When you have a strong legal advocate by your side, the outcome of your divorce is likely to be much more positive.  

Schedule Time to Talk to Your Adult Children

Set up a time for you and your spouse to discuss your divorce with your children, unless there is so much acrimony between the two of you that being in the same room is not an option. Reassure your children that no one is dying, but that you need to tell them something in person rather than over the phone.

If your adult children live a significant distance from you, try scheduling a Zoom call or FaceTime call with everyone. Telephone, email, or texts are simply not the right way to share this news. Even though your children are grown, divorce is a major life crisis for all those involved. Consider the following when telling your grown children that you are divorcing:

Write Out a "Script" That Details What You Want to Say

When possible, discuss what you want to say to your adult children about the divorce with your spouse. Try to anticipate the questions they may ask and have answers ready. Sometimes, adult children already know their parents are considering divorce, while other times, the children may truly be shocked.

Whether they expected the news or not, they are likely to experience some level of grief, so be prepared. Keep it simple by telling the children that you and your spouse have decided to end your marriage. If they ask why, simply say that you have problems as a couple that cannot be worked out.

Do Your Best to Remain Neutral While Sticking to the Facts

It is important that you resist being a victim or blaming your spouse. Even though your children are grown, it is still your job to put their feelings above yours. This means you should avoid telling them you have been unhappy for years, even if it is true. After just receiving news that may shock and sadden them, it is unreasonable to expect them to feel happiness for you and your newfound freedom. They need support and understanding right now and should never be made to feel guilty for their parents’ divorce.

Explain What Will Remain the Same and What Will Be Different

Even though your children are adults, your news may make them feel like their world has suddenly become less stable. If you are unable to continue helping an adult child financially, tell them in a calm, straightforward manner, while reassuring them that you will do what you can. Most adult children still have some of their belongings at the family home. If you are selling the home, let them know the timeframe they have to pick up their belongings.

Reassure Your Adult Children That the Divorce Is Not Their Fault

Tell your adult children that the divorce has nothing to do with them and it is in no way their fault.  Avoid the blame game. Regardless of why you and your spouse are divorcing, even adult children do not need to know that their father cheated or their mother spent all the marital money at the racetrack. You want to avoid making the children "pick a side." When adult children of divorce were interviewed, the side effect of the divorce they disliked the most was the feeling that each parent was attempting to form an alliance with them against the other parent.

Never Tell Your Adult Children You Stayed Together for Them

Even if this happens to be true, this is not something you need to say to your adult children. The only thing a statement like this will accomplish is to make them feel guilty. It will also make them wonder whether their happy childhood memories are real or true. Both you and your spouse should be absolutely clear on the fact that you want them to continue to have close relationships with both their parents and that there will not be any "bad mouthing" by either parent about the other.

Let Your Adult Children Feel Their Feelings

Listen without interruption, and even if it is hurtful to you, let them express their anger, sadness, or frustration, so long as it is not done in a disrespectful manner. Remember that your children are not your peers, so do not expect them to make you feel better. In some cases, the children may withdraw from you for a period of time. Try not to lose hope or get angry. Tell them you are in counseling or will be seeking counseling, and encourage them to do the same.

Reassure Your Adult Children That You Are Still a Family

This means that the two of you will get along with one another during family gatherings, and that the grandchildren will not have to choose which grandparent can attend their school functions. If your adult children are still in college and you and your spouse are financing their education, let them know whether these financial arrangements will continue. Let the children know if one of you intends to stay in the family home or if it will be sold. This is often a significant concern for adult children, as they may consider it "their" home.

Do Not Introduce a New Love Interest Too Soon

Be careful about introducing a new romantic partner too soon. For your children, your new partner may be nothing more than a painful reminder of the family unit they lost when you divorced. Skip bringing your new significant other on vacations, holidays, or family get-togethers for at least the first six months after the divorce, then introduce them to the family slowly.  

Contact a Kendall County, IL Divorce Lawyer

Regardless of whether your children are young or grown, you can benefit from having a knowledgeable Yorkville, IL divorce attorney who can help you get through this difficult time in the best way possible. Attorney Williams has experience with troubled youth and focuses his practice on collaborative divorce and mediation to make the process more amicable. Call 630-409-8184 to schedule an initial attorney meeting to discuss your family law issue.